The Midnight News Are you still writing any anywhere?
Yup
how about a compiled list of all the "kevin nash is better than you " segments for all the kids out there , notably me. even the facts that make you smarter list would be great as well. thanks
dustin m jones
Orrr... you can just spend quality time looking at the archives foumnd at the bottom of this column.
I mean... jeeze, dude.
I'd send you a gift certificate like that other guy but I'm a starving artist right now. I just remembered I used to print out your Mop Up on tuesdays and read them IN HIGH SCHOOL. I'm 25 now. Sweet jesus.
Byron Turk
HA!! You're old!!
Hey Hyatte,how are ya bro. Been following you since your "Spilled Milk" days over at Scoops. I also want to thank you for all the great years of laughs. You're truly a talent that'll never be equaled and I hope you don't leave the scene. Maybe it's just time to take a long break and come back when you're up to it. Go to the beach and reflect on life and all that.
Abe
Nah... I think when I go, I'm not coming back... ever.
If you are leaving, that would have been a great way to go. Awesome column, really. Please don't bring back Hal Jotsky though.
Ashley.
Thanks Baby. See, I still have more female readers thasn ANYONE ELSE... yeah, even Meltzer...
What's wrong with Hal Jotsky? Oh okay.... I won't bring him back... THIS week. We're having a contract dispute anyway. He's insisting that his driver be a "man of negro descent but of conservative, upper middle class values." Best I could scrounge up was an ex-convict pal of mine named Tyrell. Hal's agent is threatening a lawsuit. I'll work it out.
Hyatte, I'm Bertha Faye and I want to confess that I made a terrible mistake dying. I should have chosen you instead. aces baby.
RockinSamurai (Bertha)
Oh I doubt you are neither a Samurai NOR "Rockin"...
Hello Needledicks. I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. This is the special deluxe CHRISTMAS EDITION... a special gift from me to you...
What does this mean? Means I've absolutely PACKED this thing... more shit than I thought possible... so much shit I had to take something OUT and save it for later... and I NEVER do that.
So... no, really... settle in, you're gonna be here a while.
Off we go.
ARM-A-NOT-ORDERIN'-IT
It was just three weeks ago when I decided that I will not be ordering WWE PPVs anymore... my resolve is FIRM...
So this week is Smackdown Armageddon... capping off a MASSIVE 5 week PPV binge that doesn't even include any UFC stuff that Meltzer likes so you marks have to like too... because... you know... there is NOTHING going on this time of the year where you have to spend money... nope, nada.... just order $200 worth of pay per views... yup... SUPPORT THE BUSINESS!!!
I feel bad for the Internet recappers who feel they can't let down their audience and order every show! "WE DO IT FOR YOUUUUU!!! THIS SITE IS ABOUT WRESTLING!! NOT IWC BULLSHIT!!! PLEASE GIVE US HITS!!!"
No I don't... fuck them...
Anyway... how do I recap this? I have a billion other things to get to this week... so... hmmm
Well... let's just be cute about things...
-In a subtle tribute to the South circa last century, The black man in the crazy, space age outfit gets cooked by the Evil Great White DEVIL... they say MVP hardly got touched but who can tell, he was born looking over-cooked already.
-We were told that there will be a Lingerie Show tonight... Ashley made a snotty face... oh, wait.
-JBL said MVP should sue the pants off of Teddy Long for making him do this Inferno Match... yes, pay no attention to the white man behind the curtain and be sure to eat at Popeye's Chicken at least 4 times a week!
-Teddy Long, who apparently learned how to walk from watching hours and hours of The Jeffersons, announced that the tag team title match needed some extra OOMPH... so it's now a Ladder match and he's throwing in the Hardys and MNM...
-So The Hardys and MNM and Regal and Taylor all fought London and Kendrick in a Ladder match. Joey Mercury was CRANKED in the nose by a runaway ladder and bled gushers... he was taken out. Not to worry, there are PLENTY of pills available to ease his suffer.... OH WAIT!!! HE'S AN ADDICT!! HE CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING STRONGER THAN A FLINSTONE'S CHEWABLE!! BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
-Is Mercury still getting the lay pipe on Christie Hemme? Or did she go ahead and marry someone else without telling him too? Seems to be all the rage these days.
-How do you book Regal and Taylor... two old, awkward mat wrestling white guys in a high flying ladder match? Make them afraid of heights, of course... BRILLIANT! God Bless PS Hayes AND Dusty Rhodes (who's DVD is fantastic, by the way... except for the third disc which is all his WWF matches... wheew... stinko-city.
-This was a WWE Specialty... that one match on EVERY PPV that they put on to ALMOST make up for everything else... JBL called it the sickest thing he's seen in 15 years! (HA!! This is the same guy who made Sunny suck off Yokozuna in exchange for some ghetto crack!! He's LYING HIS ASS OFF!!)
-London and Kendrick won... Jeff and Nitro get to fly over to Raw tomorrow night for MORE high risk spotfestery!! Matt gets to fake post shit on the internet for a day.
-Kristal is one, fine, woman! Little cocoa puff. I bet she likes it in the seat.
-The Boogeyman defeated the Miz. The Boogeyman is one of those characters created just so your grandparents can walk by the TV, see what's going on, and have a laugh! My own grandmother got a kick out of the Bushwhackers and LOVED it when that no good Jimmy Hart got a little what for... but my grandmother liked to fiddle with her vagina at the dinner table.
-The Divas flashed each other backstage. Does the WWE REALIZE that at the VERY LEAST, we now have Skinemax every night???
-Chavo Guerrerro dedicated his US title match to Vickie Guerrerro... Vickie asked if she could have his PPV payoff instead. Chavo told her to get bent.
-Chavo fought Benoit and lost in 12 minutes. The gimmick may have changed but the end result remains the same for ol' Pancho.
-Helms beat Jimmy Wang... it took eleven minutes... those are eleven quality minutes that Helms could have spent answering his MySpace messages and pretending that people care about him!! DAMN, YOU, VINCE!!!
-Mr Kennedy and the Undertaker had another bloody throwdown that ended with Kennedy taking a "ride". I don't like saying this too much but... you think... maybe... Calloway could possibly LOSE A MATCH ONCE IN A WHILE???????? I'm pretty sure it won't affect his spot.
-Fit Finlay looked King Booker SQUARE in the eye and said, "We ain't partners, we ain't brothers, and we ain't friends!! If Ganz gets away with my money, you're gonna be sorry!" Booker replied, "I'm already sorry"... then drove off in his ragtop Caddy, throwing Finlay into the backseat.
-The Diva Lingerie show with Santa as the EMCEE... if you're reading this, then you can get yourself some hardcore porn with about two clicks... WHY IS THIS COMPANY ACTING LIKE THIS IS SEXUALLY GRATIFYING IN THIS DAY AND AGE??????
-Cena and Batista defeated Booker and Finlay... but let's face it, no one ordered this PPV for this lame-o main event. This is just one step up from a Heat main event.
And there you have it... quick and amusing and blah blah...
WHACKY IN IRAQY
So the WWE did their annual Christmas trek to... some top secret hidden base in the Middle East... it must be kept secret because the Insurgent Jackals consider the head of Vincent McMahon a TOP PRIZE!! And Vince must be protected at all cost... of course.
Anyway... while Rob Van Dam (and others, although with more tact) chose to stay at home and stay SAFE, everyone else decided to head on over to give the troops their support and to put on a show. This makes the WWE look like a caring, concerned corporate entity.
Anyway... a good time was had by all... just ask them with a microphone in hand.
So they found a base right in the heart of the war zone... and there was a mortar explosion or two a few hundred feet from them that made plenty of WWE office staff update their resumes the instant the returned home... but pictures were taken and hands were shook and somewhere in there they taped a spcial edition of Raw to air a week from now. The workers get a whopping 9 days off... which is... like... almost a slap in the FACE after the year of HELL Vince puts these people thro....
Oh please... they get PLENTY of time off and even those Euro tours are jammed packed with heard partying... this isn't like 12 years ago and 330 days a year road schedules... it's not easy but it's not a killer either and they are well compensated for it too...
Anyway... the following was overheard at the Base Camp during the WWE's visit....
"When's Bob Hope coming out?"
"Who are these people?"
"Why is Cena acting like he is one of us? Did he even ever enlist?"
"Who booked this crap?"
"Who's the old biker dude and why is he wearing eye shadow??"
"Colonel, some of these wrestlers are wondering where the cocaine is."
"Wow, our pilots could learn a thing or two about BOMBING from these people!"
"Can we go home with you?"
"Where's Stratus?"
"Last week we got Clay Aiken, now this! Someone frag me!!"
"No, come on, that skinny twit with all those tattoos is really one of you? I thiught he was a camera guy!"
"Torrie Wilson is offering ten grand to anyone who shoots her ex-husband! He's trying to get alimony!"
"Finally, some WHITE people!"
"Ugh... can we surrender?"
"You can take off that helmet now Mr McMahon... oh, wait, you already did!"
"Hey, Shawn Michaels brought his Father with him... oh, wait, that's Triple H!"
"How can two 40 year olds be juvenile deliquents?"
"Last time I was back home, JBL was only an A-Cup!"
"From the way he kisses girls on TV, Carlito is protected under the Don't Ask, Don't tell policy!"
"Where's RVD??"
"Someone drive a car bomb into this show!!"
"Which one of you is Samoa Joe??"
"Just tell them the mortars are gimmicked. They'll stop whining."
"Someone tell that asshole Cena to stop saluting us in full view of the fucking snipers, PLEASE!! Jesus!"
"Did McMahon say that this war was JBL's idea??"
"I can't believe Vince thinks that Humanitarium award is real!"
And so on... and so forth...
THE MIDNIGHT NEWS CHRISTMAS WISH-LIST
T'IS the Season, yes t'is is. Which means it's the season where we just chill out and be nice to everyone. One time a year, for about two weeks, we are asked to be nice to one another... to smile a little... to forget our miserable existences and our miserable problems and just be HAPPY!!
I'm going to do my part to spread some Christmas cheer right here! Showing some LOVE!!
Here is what I wish... upon a star, upon the cross, upon the grave of Elvis.... what I truly wish the following folks get for Christmas...
To Missy Hyatt: A sense of humor, and a dictionary so she can use words other than "jabronie"
To Vince McMahon: Another IRS audit. This time you KNOW they'll find all those off-shore accounts.
To Triple H: Botox in the forehead. He's only 37 but his head has about 60 years worth of wrinkles on it
To The Undertaker: Someone, ANYONE with the balls to tell him that wearing eyeshadow makes him look like a Dead Fudgepacker
To Vince Russo: I would LOVE it if Mr. Born Again found the number "666" marked somewhere on his son. OHHH to be a fly on the wall for THAT discovery.
To Sting: His daughter kidnapped and in order to get her back he MUST have a 90 minute "Broadway" in ROH with Nigel McGuinness that HAS to be rated at LEAST 4 stars by the overwhelming majority.
To Kurt Angle: An addiction to Celery
To Ric Flair: A goddamn frickin' time machine
To Melina: Surgery to remove all those Simian genes from her DNA
To Lillian Garcia: A slot at the Kentucky Derby and a Jockey who can ride her to GLORY!!
To CM Punk: About 3 extra inches on his wang (I hear he badly needs them)
To JBL: BANKRUPTCY!! THEN LET'S SEE HIM PROMO HIS WAY OUT OF THAT!!!
To Fit Finlay: How about a fucking ONE star match where he just totally SUCKS and makes his opponent look bad too!!
To Maria: Surgery to remove her olfactory senses so she can stop looking like someone just farted in her face.
To Trish Stratus: Same this she has gotten me over the years... NOTHING!!! HEARTACHE!!! MISERY!! LIES!!! AND A WHOLE CHRISTMAS DAY OF GIGANTIC SHOUTING MATCHES WITH YOUR NEW HUSBAND!!!!!!!!
To Lita: A bowl of Amil Nitrate, two black guys, and a hotel room filled with hidden cameras that she don't know about.
To John Cena: Same thing, except toss in some lube.
To Wade Keller: A cure for AIDS.
To Jeremy Borash: AIDS IN THE SPHINCTOR THAT SPREADS INTO THE BALLS AND PENIS AND ROTS EVERYTHING AWAY INTO NOTHING OVER A PERIOD OF 5 AGONIZING YEARS!!!!! And some soap on a rope.
To Dave Scherer: A fucking stroke just as he's trying to benchpress 300 pounds!!
To Dave Meltzer: That old mullet hairstyle he wore in the early 90's... immunity to scissors so he can never cut it again... THERE'S YOUR HERO, LOSERS!!
To Jonathon Widro: My old web boss... hmm... how about a website that doesn't crash every 90 minutes.
To Elaine Goodman: An orgasm for once before she dies.
To Bruce Mitchell: A schoolroom full of kids who doesn't make him weep for the future. And the permission to mark out just one time over Hulk-A-Mania.
To James Caldwell: A fucking ass kicking. No one needs it more.
To 78% of the fucking IWC and those who read about wrestling: A decent haircut, a newfound love for apples and salads, a sensible diet, contact lenses, a cool friend who takes you clothes shopping, hairplugs, and about 3 gallons worth of real life self-esteem so you don't spend half your fucking lives on message boards and the other half pouring through old "Observers" so you can post funny things Dave wrote about WCW in the 90's for no purpose other than to amuse your message board friends!!!!
I'm not even kidding... some guy has been SCOURING through old "Observers" and has found the time to transcribe and post HUNDREDS of them!!
I mean, yeah, the thread is great and Meltzer has a great delivery and some of his lines are hilarious... but to spend ALL THIS TIME DOING THIS JUST TO PLEASE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!!!
Of course, the guy prefaces it by saying he's currently unemployed... NO KIDDING!!
Anyway, that's my Christmas Wish List.... let's hope Santa is in a giving mood.
KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU
Since day one, Kevin Nash has been shat on by Internet marks everywhere. Well.... enough is ENOUGH!
This isn't going to change a damn thing, but I'm doing it anyway. Someone has to point out the obvious, SOMEONE has to defend the big guy, SOMEONE has to show the WRESTLING WORLD that Kevin Nash... maybe the greediest, laziest, sneakiest wrestler who ever lived, deserves a HEARTY round of applause... not for thumbing his nose at those who actually WORKED in the ring, but for doing it and getting rich at the same time. He IS the American dream... all 7 feet of him.
But is he better than YOU, John Q. Workrate? Bet'cha ASS he is... Why?
Kevin Nash Is Better Than You Because...
For Christmas, he plans on getting his son porn star Briana Banks!
THIS HAS BEEN "KEVIN NASH IS BETTER THAN YOU" STARRING KEVIN NASH, WRITTEN, DIRECTED, AND PRODUCED BY CHRIS HYATTE. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
A FUN FACT THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOOK SMARTER
*On average, women hear better then men*
And just like that, you're smarter than you were three seconds ago
Hyatte LIVES to inform.
Yes, but the problem is they don't FUCKING LISTEN!! TO WHAT THEIR HEART IS SCREAMING AT THEM!!!!!!!!
UGH
THE IMPACT MOP-UP
-Opening theme? OPENING THEME!! THIS IS IMPACT!!! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR AN OPENING THEME!!! Instead we get Kurt Angle, who is walking around and he is MAD (That asshole Lethal sold him a baggie of Confectioners Sugar and he is CARBED OUT!!!!) He found Jeremy Borash at the Xerox machine making copies of something and laughing fiendishly (Dixie made ONE MISTAKE 5 years ago and suddenly, Borash has job security for life).
-Angle shoves Borash against a wall... hard... Angle demands to know where Joe was... Borash shouted, "I DON'T KNOW, BUT YOU'RE PISSING OFF THE GERBIL!!! OWWW OWWWW"... Angle let go and RAN... RAN FAR AWAY!!
-In the ring, Bobby Roode tried to act like this feud he has going with Eric Young is merely the first step to his huge main event push!!
-Tracy Handcock is right next to Roode... looking like she knows only FULL WELL that she blew the wrong wang and got HOSED on this push...
-Roode demands that Young get out there for some sort of lower-mid card angle development that Russo obviously devotes all of thirty seconds a week to. "Just get out there and be mad about something! Here's more Brill Cream for your hair!."
-Angle comes out and tells Roode to get lost. Roode, and that elusive MAIN EVENT PUSH THAT HE WAS PROMISED... scooted with the quickness. At least he got himself a snazzy Terry Taylor 1982 RING ROBE out of the deal.
-Kurt starts crying about how he lost to Samoa Joe! "HIS MAN TITS ASPHYXIATED ME!!!!!! HE SHOVED HIS NIPPLE DOWN MY THROAT!!!" Then he paused... as if to wonder why Russo was heeling him up so quickly. Yes, we should all take a pause to wonder this............
-....................
-...............
-.........................
-................
-.........annnnd good... clearly, the answer is because Russo knows what we want better than we do.
-Angle wants a rematch... he wants another shot... a REAL shot... a chance at Joe... Joe showed up on the TV screen... a devoured buffet table behind him... and said, "I made my decision and I am NOT changing my mind! No chance!" As od as my witness, the last thirty seconds just summarized the last six months OF MY LIFE!!!
-Joe said that Angle was a lost soul and a broken man! (HA!! He's just clued in on that, huh? HA!!)
-Angle stormed out of the ring... and shattered 3 vertebra... but by God he's going to work THROUGH IT
-Don West was telling US, the Adrenalized fanbase, that Angle had balked at giving Joe a rematch not 4 weeks ago... this set off Angle who put West in the Ankle Lock. Tenay screamed, "SECU....
-check that... Tenay made sure his Highball glass was safely put aside then screamed, "SECURITY!!! GET OUT HERE BEF..." then stopped and picked up all the pills that slipped out of Angles pocket and tucked them in his sports coat, then continued, "ORE DON IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!!" West screamed like they just outlawed tobacco.
-Security charged out and did... NOTHING! One of them shrugged and said, "I bought the Juice Tiger on QVC a few years ago because Don sold it like it was the greatest thing ever! It exploded about 45 seconds after I plugged it in. Fuck him!" Tenay carried on some more and we were sent off to...
-Opening theme. Welcome to the 326th TNA REVAMP! This time, we're getting it RIGHT!!
-Things have cleared out and Tenay said, "Never in my 150 years have a witnessed soemthing so horrendous!!" (in all fairness, he spent the last two years on Nitro dead drunk) And then said, "Folks, we are here to entertain you and provide you with great action.... but THIS... THIS isn't entertai..." he stopped and belched softly.... "ment... THIS IS REAL... MY FRIEND DON WEST MIGHT HAVE BEEN KILLED TONIGHT BY A MADMAN!!! AND I... AND I..." He paused and put his finger in his ear... he nodded and said, "FUCK THE SCRIPT!! THIS IS REAL, DAMMIT! THIS IS REAL!!! MY FRIEND MIGHT NEVER SEE HIS CHILDREN GROW UP AND I WILL NOT ST...." he paused... then said, "Oh look, here comes Ron Killings... WHERE WERE YOU 3 MINUTES AGO, RON??? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN IT COUNTED???" Thankfully, they cut away...
-Ron Killings came out... still unable to figure out what is "up"... the Orlando fans were of no help.
-Out comes Abyss... with Jim Mitchell... Killings gets a non-title shot but a win will certainly SKYROCKET him to the top! This is Russo's way of apologizing for slavery.
-Killings took early control... the Monster Abyss SCREAMED... Jericurl went splattering EVERYWHERE. Sting showed up in the rafters to laugh at these rubes who pay him killer bucks to essentially do nothing three weeks a month. We were sent off to some...
-commercials
-They INTERRUPTED the match to show us this LIVE, AS IT HAPPENS UPDATE...
-which was a barely comatose Don West being assisted out of the Impact Zone... replace "Don West" with "Bob Ryder" and replace "the Impact Zone" with "a local Orlando Bathhouse" and you pretty much sum up every Saturday night since TNA moved to Central Florida.
-Abyss won by giving Killings a "Black Hole Slam"... a more fitting finish has never been recorded in the history of this great sport.
-Jim Cornette replaced Don West at the announce table... the effort of the walk down the aisle winded the old queen.
-Letitia is NO Goldylocks (why not rehire HER? She was cool!) and asked Christian which parent was the Pug Terrier. Christian tried to steal Angle's heat by promising to do the same thing to her that Angle did to West. Letitia said, "What was that? I was watching CSI! Did you know Grissom figured out who stole the Limburgh baby just from an empty can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew? He's AMAZING!" Christian threw up his hands and said, "Fuck this, I'll see everyone in the ring in about 40 minutes. And left. Tyson Tomko was there too."
-First Tracy Brooks then Kurt Angle accosted Eric Young... Angle wanted to know where Samoa Joe was... Young shouted, "McDonalds, you junkie!! WHERE ELSE???" Angle slapped his head and said, "ADOY!!"... suddenly, I'm using a phrase I srarted using when I was in third grade and gave up on by the time I hit the 5th... oy vey.
-Seretonin is either here... or coming... who's paying attention
-Kevin Nash was continuing his "X-Division Super Challenge" with the official Bob Backlund Push-Up challenge. He even had Bob Backlund Push-Up grips. Jay Lethal had to go first because "You're black." In two words, Nash just described our Goverment's entire strategy for fighting in the Vietnam War.
-There was an awful lot of... umm... homoerotic symbolism here... makes me wonder just what Russo's been up to during the past two years.
-Senshi did his push-ups and no one fucked with him... they better be heading toward something here and it better involve Big Kev getting injured the night of the climax. (heh... safe bet there!)
-So... watching all this and watching Sonjay Dutt and Jay Lethal play around... is Nash still a heel? Who are the bad guys?
-Christopher Daniels put his NECK OUT ON THE LINE and gave Petey Williams a non-title X-Division match... the best part was Daniels didn't have to leave his condo! BOYEEEEEE
-Sabin did something and that old fart Jerry Lynn ended up doing soemthing and Daniels ended up losing and do we REALLY NEED JERRY LYNN IN OUR LIVES??? I MEAN... REALLY???
-Kurt Angle had the Referee with the shorts in an Ankle Lock on the steps. There's another asshole I don't care about. Not Kurt, Kurt is my favorite wrestler of all time now. The other one.
-commercials
-Billy Gunn and Road Dog kept up their one-sided war. I LOVE the fact that SOMEONE managed to convince Dixie that it'll be only a matter of time before McMahon is shamed into responding and sending HBK/HHH down to accept the fight challenge and even got her to okay a working fight script! (I bet they booked it to be a no-contest too!!) I can't say who said SOMEONE is... but his name rhymes with "Splintz BlewShow"
-Tenay and Cornette both agree that the "Boys up North" are a bunch of punk ass PUSSIES for NOT accepting this challenge which would do them absolutely no good and there is not a single upside to them participating...
-Angle charged out and yanked So Cal Val into the ring and said that if Joe doesn't give into the rematch... he'll snap her ankle too! He stepped on her hair so she couldn't move! Wow... I miss college.
-Remember kids... pull her hair up and down... bingo, she just said yes!
-Cornette.... ahhhh, this is one of those long-winded expository segments that sets up something silly for next week... it's your classic Russo "Take a break from the momentum and let us catch our breathes while someone delivers a 5 page promo" stunt.
-America's Most Wanted (GODDAMNABLE LIE!!) assured each other... AND us that they were one true fighting unit again and they are NOT breaking up. Gail Kim bent her head down and rubbed her eyes with her hand and muttered, "Oh God, will my acting career hurry up and take off, already!"
-LAX came out... Konan looked like he was about to rob a stage coach in Arizona. No promos were cut... but Cornette promised to issue heavy fines if Konan got "uppity"! (HA! Dutch Mantell FOUGHT for that one)
-AMW came out... and... OH WHO CARES!! FOUR YEARS THEY'VE BEEN AROUND AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE IS THE "BOBCAT"
-LAX won... one of AMW turned on the other one and newly Americanized Petey Williams didn't like it.
-commercials
-Christian Cage and Tomko told Abyss to get his flabby ass out there and give him a title match or his SECRET SHALL BE REVEALED!! (They... they... they are just HANDING this guy Kane's old storylines now... not even TRYING to be original about it either... just literally tearing the pages out of the scripts and crossing off Kane and replacing it with Abyss.)
-Abyss stared fighting BACK! Russo CHARGED into the control room and CRANKED the Fake Cheering knob up to 12 for this one....
-Then Abyss... proving once again that he very well might have been born not only at night but possibly LAST night... stopped fighting off TWO guys and posing for the camera... twice... only Goldberg gets to do that.
-I said TWICE... because, by God... EVERY FAN deserves to see Abyss stop fighting long enough to look out and them and make stupid motions with his arms, and HOWL....
-Sting dropped by too... this turned into a fight for Abyss's SOUL!! No matter what happens, someone better tell this poor fatso that he will NEVER get a horror flick contract...
-The show ends. Not ends, really... more like clunks out to a stop... Russo sure packs in the storylines...
Speaking of packing it in... think I'm about to wrap this up? Not on your LIFE, CHESTER... not with this Extra-Special CHRISTMAS Column!!
Because the circumstances were right... a little bonus for y'all
THE ECW ON SCI-FI MOP-UP
-Video montage officially introducing us to the new Extreme Champion (do they have the nerve to call the title a WORLD championship?)... he is bald... he is black... he is musclebound... he is jacking my car as I type this (hang on... GET AWAY FROM MY CAMRY BEFORE I CALL THE POLICE!! NO... DON'T COME UP!!! TAKE THE DAMN CAR HERE'S MY WALLET TOO!!! HERE'S MY GIRLFRIEND... SHUT UP WOMAN AND GET YOUR FAT ASS THROUGH THIS WINDOW... THERE YOU GO MISTER SCARY BLACK MAN!! ONE LOVE!! BIGGIE LIVES!!)...he is... AHMED JOHNSON!!
-now... really... why couldn't they go that way? Big T already played Suge Knight... why not make him a Corporate O'G' Champion! He can hang Nunzio out of the balcony! He can pop gimmick caps at the shows! He can use his "bling" as foreign objects! This needs to happen... this shit is writing itself! He'll be the most EXTREME champion in history!! Those Jewish WWE writers can have a field day writing his lines!
-But no... they went with Lashley... who's idea of "Extreme" is banging some white rat with the fat ass instewad of doing three hour squat sessions! HARDCORE!!
-And what a child-like face on this guy... non-threatening... my Grandmother would have him over for lunch and not hide the better China.
-Opening theme... let the ratings hit the floor!
-Joey Styles (staring at his check stubs as he talks... still amazed at all those zeroes "And none of them are bouncing, Tazz! I LIKE this new ECW!") and Tazz (staring at Joey's check stubs and thinking, "How do I get back on Smackdown and get myself a RAISE?") Neither man could muster much enthusiasm...
-They were in Boston... just a few miles from me. No, I wasn't there. Are you serious? I don't go to these things. I'm fucking Hyatte.
-Our main event for tonight... the new EXTREME champion... with the HARDCORE name of "Lashley" (and he doesn't even carry a whip... oh where are the old 80's gimmicks when you need them the most?? If this was 1988 Vince would have this guy prancing around like Indiana Jones by now!) will be fighting Paul Heyman's EVIL... EXTREMELY EVIL Security Guards/Enforcers tonight... in other words... there will be no Adrenaline Rush tonight. Everyone's heart gets to beat normally. WE ALL GET TO LIVE!!
-Out comes Test, with a look on his face that said, "Kelly Kelly won't be here tonight because I banged her so deep my penis dislodged one of her ribs... did the same to Stratus back when she was young, did the same to Stephanie and her Daddy WATCHED, did the same to Keibler, to Wilson, to Linda, to Pat Patterson, and if you assholes don't show some love, I'll do the same to YOUR MOMMA!!"... that was the look... that is Test... god bless the juiced-out lunk
-RVD came out. Styles called him one of the most unique athletes EVER in sports entertainment... (In other words, he blows more spots than Candice and then tells Vince to fuck off when it comes to going to Iraq... he's one unique wrestler alright)
-Things got going. RVD CONFOUNDED Test with his unique blend of ariel gymnastics... why can't they just stand there and let him give the big boot then its off to the bar!! Test bailed out and started bickering with the fans ("No, I will NOT be getting fired again!! Shut up and I'll let you smell my finger!") RVD gave him a facefull of ass.
-Styles watched the two men roll around... loudly sighed... and promised more of this when we get back from these...
-commercials
-These two wrestling DEMONS just could not stall for time during the break, so we came back and RVD was throwing every single kick he could think of at Test. To his credit, Test didn't laugh.
-Test retaliated by throwing every single move he had IN HIS ARSENAL at RVD... this took all of three seconds... then he had sex with RVD's wife. In the can!! RVD said, "Whoa, dude."
-Styles said this was a PPV quality match... heh, SCI-FI!!
-Test won after RVD jumped around some more. He held the tights. RVD gets his 5'879th consecutive match where his ponytail manages to stay in place... amazing. Afterwards, RVD was pissed that the Heel got the duke and Test was looking around thinking, "Wait a second... did I just have a halfway decent match? WHAT???"
-commercials
-Matt Striker was in the ring with a tie on, a short sleeve dress shirt, and a microphone. He started running down Boston... the funny part was the crowd shots of Boston people getting riled up. One guy, about 50 pounds overweight was standing up and shouting, "SHADDUP FORE I KICK THE CRAHP OUTTA YOUS!!!"
-Striker pointed out that Red Aubach was dead... well, he killed his own team for all of the 90's and the 00's... and he killed any sense of fashion with those Godawful suits... and he killed Len Bias... and he hated the blacks... and he killed many fans with heatstroke because he kept proper ventilation out of the Boston Gahden for YEARS... so it's suitable irony. Boston fans were suitably shaken... except for the black fans (kept in one section... hiiiigh up in the nosebleeds... this town is a hoot) who screamed, "DAMN, THE GOOFY WHITE HOMIE IS KEEPIN' IT REAL!!"
-Striker ALSO ripped on Ted Kennedy (of all the ones to stay ALIVE... it had to be HIM) and John Kerry (HA! Michael Dukakis laughs at him) and Bill Buckner (oh man, THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO!!! MOVE ON!! WE WON A WORLD SERIES ALREADY!!)
-Gotta say this about Boston... you just can't cut such a locally embarrassing promo on just ANY town... I mean, try trashing out Omaha! "Hey, how about all them cows!! Omaha sucks!!"
-Finally, out comes Balls Mahony. Striker tries to equate Balls with Bostonians... middle class Joe Lunchpails (HA... TRY RENTING A CONDO IN DOWNTOWN AND SEE HOW WORKING CLASS THIS TOWN IS!!) One thing led to Sally Struthers and I've spent TOO much time on a segment featuring Matt Striker.
-commercials
-Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay cut a promo backstage. I swear, Terkay has a face and body that literally SCREAMS, "I go to hookers and I go to them a LOT". They promise to make all of ECW tap out... or something. No wonder Heyman was crying last week.
-Interesting that the black guy did all of the talking while the white guy just stared at the camera! IN BOSTON?!?!?!?!?!?!
-CM Punk came out. Millions of keyboards across the world just exploded.
-Bob Holly came out. Punk twirled his wrists... he's a SHOOTER!!!!
-He's a SKINNY SHOOTER!! HEY, CM!! WHAT'S THE MATTER??? THE WWE ROAD SCHEDULE INTERRUPTING YOUR GYM TIME!!! NEXT TIME YOU GO ON GHOST HUNTERS, TRY TO FIND THE HAUNTED WEIGHT ROOM!!!!
-Ahhh poor Punk... life in the Indies ALWAYS meant more free time!
-Punk started off with Armdrags! EXTREME ARMDRAGS!! Then he ran the ropes continuously until he got tired and passed out. Holly looked around and said, "THIS imbecile is the future?" Then he kicked him in the balls.
-Punk did his "Lemme kick you and punch you in slow motion then you stand there like a moron while I spin punch you" thing... then gave Holly the High Kick. Holly restrained from grabbing Punk in some torturous stretch and shouting, "YOU WILL NOT TAKE FOOD OUT OF MY KID'S MOUTH!!" (orders from up top...they need all the stars healthy these days... no shoot lessons!) Holly instead just kept punching Punk until the ref DQ'ed him... all of Philly groaned in unison. By now, the Boston crowd had given up and was out getting "beeahr" and killin' "toime" before "Smaaahckdown staahrted" "Maahn, that Baaahtistaah is one big muthahh!" "You think Cenaah will be heeahr t'noit?"
-What's so EXTREME about a DQ?
-After the match, because his THIRST FOR COMPETITION WASN'T COMPLETE....Punk scored the Anaconda Vice on Holly... Holly tapped... Punk got to stay strong so he can put over Hunter in a year or so.
-commercials. This show is on a Saturday because Tuesday was all about The Lost Room... with a comb that can stop time. That's great... but where's the fucking comb that doesn't pull out chunks of your hair at every stroke??? WHERE'S THE COMB THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME HAVE TO SHAVE MYSELF BALD TWICE A WEEK??? (although I DO look pretty damn good)
-And I am taking a stand and will NOT watch Battlestar Galactica... not until they dig up Lorne Greene for a 12 episode run.
-Tommy Dreamer strolled to the ring taking all the time in the world (it's called "airtime" and Tommy's getting as much as he can before they shut down this show and throw him back to Titan Towers so he can book Dinsmore's flight schedule). Like a battered warrior surveying his land after LOSING the war... Dreamer looked morose... saddened... heartbroken... well fed... LOOK AT HIM!
-He grabbed the mic and said he is famous for having more heart and guts then brains... (Hmm, I thought he was famous for losing to Raven for 900 straight times before winning one match and acting like the feud was all tied up). Then challenged Khali to a fight!
-Out comes Khali... and Davairi... but for reasons that I simply did NOT pay attention to... Dreamer ended up fighting Davairi... and WINNING... then Khali messed him up. I think they are doing a cross promotion with The Lost Room and someone has that damn comb that stops time... because this angle just NEVER MOVES
-commercials
-We see how Mike Knox broke up with Kelly Kelly and assaulted her. Tazz put down his Meatball Hero (called a "Grinder" or "Grindah" around these parts) long enough to register his DISGUST... then went back to the sammitch. Styles said Kelly Kellly is dead and will be back soon. Broken neck or something. (I'm telling you, Test poked out her bottom rib!)
-THE NUTTY BROAD WAS OVERLY NICE TO KNOX THEN WENT AHEAD AND MARRIED CM PUNK AND HE HAD TO FIND OUT THROUGH MELTZER!!!! WHO'S THE BAD GUY HERE NOW??? WHO??? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO???????
-Why does Kelly Kelly look like she's sitting on a pissed off badger whenever she smiles?
-It took four minutes for the EXTREME Bobby Lashley to dispose of TWO of Heyman's Enforcers... without Heyman around, exactly WHAT are they enforcing?? Certainly not the Wellness Drug tests... oh, that flew for about as long as it took them to realize that without... "help" Chris Masters looks like he should be online posting on message boards about how small Chris Masters has gotten.
-Joey and Tazz thank whatever Dago Gods they pray to that the show was over.
-And it was.
Yeesh... ECW is no longer a car wreck... this show is now the boring stuff AFTER the car wreck when the victims are all carted away, the cars have been towed, and now the cops are sweeping the glass off the highway. This is why I don't Mop-Up more than just one hour of TNA stuff every other week or so... even the bad stuff is devoid of comedic material. This is why Daddy needs to do this Midnight News thing... more variety
Speaking of which... I am not even NEARLY through... this week, I close with a CELEBRATION!!
HER BOOBIES ARE ONLY TEN YEARS OLD
Sometimes, God sends SIGNALS...
Today... being late Sunday/early Monday as of this writing... and you are reading this (presumably) on a Monday... is December 18th... my column day falls on Decmber 18th...
AND... as luck would have it... I'm actually doing a column today, and NOT taking one of my famous weeks off
AND AND AND... not just ANY column... but the Supersized CHRISTMAS COLUMN!!!!!
Today... December 18th...
Which just happens to be Trish Stratus's birthday. 31 years old.
Now... anyone who's been reading a'while knows about Trish and me and this column... and... well... I'm not looking too good here. I know, I know. I know how I'm coming across. Pathetic... obsessed... sad... pitiful... UNstable... CREEPY!!
The THING is... I know all this... it is and was my intention... just like this birthday present to her is well-crafted... and pretty much just as creepy and obsessive and pathetic as everything else I've written.
I. Don't. Give. A. Flying. Psychotic. Fuck. What. Anyone. Thinks. The right people know what I'm doing and they enjoy it. All that matters.
But anyway... it's her Birthday today... so what do you give the girl who can get anything and everything she wants? Well... YOU can't give her shit because you have no talent... but ME... I have scores of talent, a sick sense of humor, and a willingness to look as uncool and as douchey as possible.
So, with my skills... I've decided to give to Trish, as a gift... an online concert.
Now normally, song parodies ONLINE DO NOT WORK... Pat McNeill from the Torch proved this a few years ago... but if you set the right tone... and are willing to go all out... and use popular songs that everyone knows... they have a chance at being entertaining.
So... for this rare occasion where her favorite writer alive puts out a new column on her most special day... I give to Trish Stratus...
Crazy In Love by Chris Hyatte (with cameo in italics by Chris Hyatte)
Formerly: "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce (with cameo by Jay Z)
Go here if you don't know the song
(Horn intro... )
YES
IT'S SO CRAZY RIGHT NOW
INTERNET INSANITY
IT'S YOUR B'DAY, T
IT'S MY COLUMN, HY8
You ready
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
PROVIDING EVIDENCE FOR THE JURY... STALKING TRIAL
I'M GOING TO JAIL
I look and stare so deep at the screen
I touch the keys and hold my ween
When you leave I’m wonderin' where'd you go
E-mail your box 5 times in a row
I gave up trying to explain
About us, everyone thinks I'm lame
I know they just can't understand
I should go gay and start taking it in the can
You got me lookin’ so crazy right now
Everyone thinks I'm dangerous crazy right now
Got me thinking of going to Muncie right now
But airline rates are lookin’ so crazy right now
Got me hopin’ you’ll text me right now
You got me looking to pay someone to sex me right now
Lookin’ so crazy, your friendliness got me
Got me overboard and crazy in love
Uh-oh, the ho, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no-no
When I talk to my friends about you and me
Look at who you married that ain't me
They all tell me to go buy a new dress
I should stay quiet. Look like a fag when I confess
Does he know that you slept with half of Motley Crue
Did he see the letters I sent with postage due?
Can he work your vag over with his hand?
It was either this song or I was gonna riff on Eminem's "Stan"
Trish's got me lookin’ so crazy right now
Online I'm lookin' so crazy right now
Got me feeling like fucking a cow
The cops are thinkin' I'm so crazy right now
Kind'a thinkiin’ you’ll text me right now
My number is in the book under "Douchebag" right now
Lookin’ so crazy, I can smell what she's cookin'
Got me lookin’ so crazy in love
OHHHH I’m lookin’ so crazy, the bitch’s got me lookin’
Got me lookin’ so crazy in love
A'ight... I'm ready now... CHECK IT
ONE PLUS THREE-0 MEANS ONE OLD HO
SHE CAN STILL GO BUT SHE DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE LOST, WHO SHE TOSSED, I'M FINER THAN DENTAL FLOSS
KING HY8, DA' PERFECT MATE. NEXT TO ME HER HUSBAND DON'T RATE
A DUMB BROAD, DUMPED THE NET LORD. I GOT ABS LIKE A WASH BOARD.
HATED BY MANY. THEY ALL BE JEALOUS HOARDS
NO ONE CAN WRITE LIKE ME. MY COLUMN IS THE THING TO SEE.
I'M THE GREATEST WRITER IN THE IWC. I MAKE SUCKAS LAUGH 'TILL THEY PEE
MY GAME IS TIGHT, SKILLS ARE AT THEIR HEIGHT.
PLUS I'M PURE CHINA WHITE. I'M INTERNET DYNOMITE
WE DA' PERFECT MATCH, LEMME INTO THAT CANADIAN SNATCH.
HYATTE'S THE ITCH THAT YOU CAN'T SCRATCH. THE HOLE YOU CAN'T HOT PATCH
I GOT THE FIVE INCHES OF THUNDER
I LOVE YOU THROUGH YOUR WEDDING BLUNDER
I CAN GET THROUGH YOUR WALL. MAKE THE ICY HEART MELT AND FALL
SO DAMN GOOD IT DON'T MATTER THAT MY COCK BE SMALL
UH OH, TOO LATE, I AIN'T TAKIN' YOUR CALL. ONE!
Got me looooookiiiiin’ so crazy, I'm a baby
You're not even Triiiiiish, I’m foolish, I bought into this
I’ve been playin’ with myself, baby, CUZ THERE'S NO ONE ELLLLLLSE
‘Cause you're love went to someone who ain't me
So I decided to MAAAAKE a fool of me!!
I'm being a nutcase I don’t care who sees
‘Cause Trishy, you got me, you got me, so crazy, BAAAABY
You got me lookin’ so crazy right now
Everyone thinks I'm dangerous crazy right now
Got me thinking of going to Muncie right now
But airline rates are lookin’ so crazy right now
Got me hopin’ you’ll text me right now
You got me looking to pay someone to sex me right now
Lookin’ so crazy, your friendliness got me
Got me overboard and crazy in love
Trish's got me lookin’ so crazy right now
Online I'm lookin' so crazy right now
Got me feeling like fucking a cow
The cops are thinkin' I'm so crazy right now
Kind'a thinkiin’ you’ll text me right now
My number is in the book under "Douchebag" right now
Lookin’ so crazy, I can smell what she's cookin'
Got me lookin’ so crazy in love
THANKS YOU... OHH, THANK YOU... TOO KIND... TOO KIND...
But... you know what... this is the LAST opportunity I'll have for this... seeing how its her Birthday on my column day and all...
And... well... there ain't no WAY I'm carrying this into '07...
AND... WELL, I DID PROMISE A CONCERT!!! WHICH MEANS MORE THAN ONE SONG!!
AND, WELL, BY GOD... FUCK Y'ALL IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT... WHEN ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY, I'LL DO THIS FOR YOU!!!
So... without further adieu... FOR THE ENCORE....
THIS STINKS by Chris Hyatte
formerly "Love Stinks": by The J. Geils Band
(Go here if you don't know the song)
(Berr nerrrr NERR NERR NERRR NERRR NE NE NERRR NERRR NE NE NERRR NERRR NERRR NERRR)
I love her
But she loves him
And he loves his new joint bank account
Hyatte just can't win
And SO she goes
Won't tell me why...
Some OTHER jerk has his face
Buried in her dyed fur pie!!
I'VE JACKED MY WEEN
'TILL IT TURNED RAW PINK
STILL I KEEP SAYIN' (BOOM BOOM)
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
SHE NEEDS A SHRINK YEAH YEAH
I tried to meet her on the outside
Was gonna find her YES I WAS
She just can't hide
But she MAAADE a call
Earlier this Fall
Got that Restraining Order
Now I can't get near her at all!!
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL ANY MORE
INSTEAD I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND MUUUMMMMBLE (BOOM BOOM)
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
THIS STINKS YEAH YEAH
This stinks
TRISH FUCKIN' STINKS YEAH YEAH
(80's Synthesizer Bridge...)
I've been through BLACK GIRLS
I've been through CHINKS
BUT SHE'S FROM CANADA... (boom boom)
This stinks
THIS REALLY STINKS... YEAH YEAH
This stinks
I MEAN IT FUCKIN' STIIIINKS YEAH YEAH
(GUITAR BRIDGE... BERRR BERR BER BER BERRR BERRR BER BER BERR BERRR BERBER BERRR BERR BERR BERRRRRR)
This stinks
I HOPE HER TITTIES SINK YEAH YEAH
This stinks
MY WEEN'S BLOODY PINK
This stinks
HE'S A RAT FINK
This stinks
I AIN'T GOIN' TO THE CLINK
This stinks
THIS STIIIIINKS....
Happy Birthday Stratus.... now that EVERYONE reading thinks I'm the biggest stalker creep ever, I can safely say that I hope everything goes POORLY for you today... SHEER MISERY
But... in all honesty... I will still blah blah blah you at 31 just like I have when you were 27 and I'll still blah blah blah you at 41 and 51 and even 61 like I do right now. Blah...
And NOW... I'm done... I told you it was a monster column. Next Sunday is Christmas Eve and... well, do you REALLY think I'll be here, doing a column? REALLY?? Are you fuckin' high?
Anyway, here's your Christmas present... what did you get me? NOTHING, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS!!
Ahhhhhh.... Merry Christmas and Happy Jew Day to all my Hebe peeps... you ain't so bad... just uptight... killing the Savior will do that. It's okay, all is forgiven at my end. Rest easy.
See ya' for the final four... maybe.
04
This is Hyatte